I Put The Kids On eBay

Our life was once so happy, you and me

Till we decided we should start a family

Now there’s no peace and quiet

The house is torn apart

I think havin’ kids just wasn’t very smart.

They say children are a blessing.  Au contrare.

They’re a giant pain right in the derriere

There’s jelly on the TV screen

The baby’s diaper leaks

And we haven’t had a moment’s peace in weeks.

(chorus)

I put the kids on eBay, we’ll take the highest bid

I’ve heard there’s people out there’ll pay thousands for a kid

The auction runs till Thursday, they’re listed as a set,

I put the kids on eBay, for whatever we can get.

I’ve been pokin’ holes in boxes big enough

We can ship them to the winner, with their stuff

The broken toys, the teddy bears

The stupid games they play

We’ll have UPS come take them all away.

(chorus2)

I put the kids on eBay, we’ll have a quiet home

We’ll spend the evenings sitting by the fireplace all alone

We may not get a lot of dough, but we’ll save a whole lot more

We’ll be happy when we ship them out the door

There won’t be no more chicken pox, no mumps or whooping cough